The Pink Elephant on the Court: Five Things Your Child Won’t Tell You
As parents, how many times have you asked your child, “How was your day?” The response is usually a one word answer, “Good!” Of course, this only leaves you wanting to hear more. Whenever I hear that response, I ask a follow-up question, “Huh, I see … ‘good’ can mean a lot of things to different people, so tell me what you mean by that? Or what specifically made your day good?”
Similarly, there are many things your kids don’t tell you regarding their tennis game and your involvement. As always, it’s usually the words that are between the lines that are of the most important. Or the unspoken words that your child might be hesitant to tell you because they are not sure of your response.
As a mental training coach, I work individually and in groups with kids ages 12-25. I have heard it all! What kids like, what they don’t like, and what they would like to say but just don’t. In fact there are common themes to things that kids don’t share with their parents. I could probably write a book, maybe I will? But for now, here are the top five things your child won’t tell you regarding their tennis game and your involvement.
1. “When I lose … it feels like I’m disappointing you!”
This is one of the most common statements kids make. What’s most important is not to conditionally judge them based upon their winning or losing, but rather, support them no matter the outcome. It would be great to just let your child know how much you enjoy watching them play tennis, with no strings attached. They feel bad enough when they lose. However, if they feel like they are disappointing a parent when they lose, it only makes the loss harder and bouncing back harder as well. Curiously, sometimes this is the cause of cheating. Kids don’t want to disappoint parents, coaches or be seen as a “loser” to themselves or their friends. Therefore, they make dishonest calls.
2. “When I scream or throw my racket, it’s a way of showing you I care!”
Certainly an interesting reaction. Many times when this happens, the player is simply overwhelmed and doesn’t know who to handle a particular situation. Other times, they act out to show you they care! You might ask, “What do you mean?” Well, if they don’t act out it, will it appear as if they don’t care? They worry that it might be perceived as accepting defeat. They certainly don’t want to be perceived as rolling over.
3. “When you talk about money … it puts extra pressure on me!”
Kids are very perceptive about how much lessons cost, and the sacrifices that parents may be making for their lessons. In reality, it’s important to know that tennis is not a good investment. However, it is a great sport and an opportunity for your child to learn life’s lessons, push themselves to be their personal best, and get exercise. Don’t put extra pressure on your kids by sharing the monetary aspects of their lessons. This only makes them nervous and tight on the court. It’s important that they are able to play loose and relaxed, not worrying about the cost of a lesson!
4. “When you talk about tennis … It seems you care more than me!”
In order for a player to play well and feel empowered, they have to have their own “Big Y.” The “Big Y” is an intrinsic reason that motivates or inspires them to play. It’s important that you help cultivate that reason and support your kids during their process. If a parent’s support is overwhelming, the child will often feel suffocated. They will feel pressure and feel as though they are not playing for themselves but for the approval of their parents. It’s important to establish many lines of communication with your kids, not just solely about tennis.
5. “If I don’t want to play today, it doesn’t mean I don’t care!”
Today, more than ever, kids have very little down time as they go at breakneck speed from one activity to another. Sometimes kids need a break, a day or even few days to rest and recharge their batteries. Going to that party or being with friends is just what they need. The break will serve to make them hungrier and come back revitalized with more energy. It will also give their bodies some much needed rest and recovery time. It’s important they have a balance between tennis, school, friends and whatever else makes them happy. If they have a healthy balance, their time on the court will be more productive.
As parents, I suspect that some of these statements listed in this top five are hard for you to believe. However, in the confines of my office, when kids feel safe and unconditionally accepted, these statements come up time and time again. The pink elephant is now out of the room!
