The Pink Elephant is BACK on the Court: Five More Things Your Child Won’t Tell You
In the July/August 2014 issue of Long Island Tennis Magazine, I published “The Pink Elephant on the Court.” Since it appeared in the pages of this magazine, I have received an overflow of comments from kids who said “OMG, how did you know what I was thinking? This is exactly what I want to tell my mom and dad.” And then from parents, I have heard comments such as, “Really, I often wondered about what my son/daughter was thinking … wow, this is helpful.” Because of the number of responses, I have written a second part to this article.
In this article, I have highlighted five more comments that kids share with me in my private sessions as a mental training coach. Hopefully, they are helpful to better understand what your kids might be thinking and best supporting their dreams, both on and off the court.
1. You think you re supporting me, but I need you to support me another way!
Oftentimes, a parent will express to me or their child that they are doing everything they can to support their child. Usually what they talk about is the money being spent, the miles driven in the car, and the number of tournaments and lessons they registered for. However, from the child’s perspective, they don’t see this, they might say “Okay, I know that (and dismiss it), but when I look up from the court and you nod your head in disgust or throw your hands up after I miss an easy shot, that doesn’t feel like support! You never seem to be satisfied with how I play.” Clearly there are different definitions of “support” being used. The parents speak of support in regards to time and money spent, while the kids speak of support in regards to their emotions.
2. Just because I don’t get upset or fist pump doesn’t mean I don’t care!
Sometimes a parent will come to me because they perceive their child lacks a competitive fire and want me to help bring that competitive nature out. I always mention to the parent how all kids show their competitive nature in a different ways. This is evident even at the professional level. Look at Rafael Nadal vs. Roger Federer vs. Lleyton Hewitt, or Maria Sharapova vs. Steffi Graff. All of these players express themselves differently on the court. There is not a right or wrong way as long as it is respectful to themselves, their opponent and the game. The key is to encourage your child to be themselves, while moving past adversity.
3. I know the ball was out, but I don’t want confrontation!
Many times kids will not call out balls out, they will play on! Parents are wondering if the child cannot see the lines or if they need glasses? In reality, the problem is none of the above. The underlying issue is the child either does not want confrontation, and/or they do not want to be called a cheater. The ball not being called out is not really the issue here, but it is one of confidence and seeking to avoid confrontation.
4. When I’m quiet before a match, it’s because I’m nervous!
The night before a match, or even on the car ride driving to a match, has your child ever been silent? It seems like they have clammed up or gone into a shell. Don’t take this to mean anything other than they just need time to be with themselves and process their nervousness. The best remedy is to just be there for them and not to force conversation. This will only facilitate short and edgy answers. The key is to help them just be themselves.
5. It’s not helpful when you tell me I should win, I feel more pressure.
Oftentimes, parents will think by telling their child they are the favorites or telling them they have a better record/ranking than their opponent, it will give them confidence. Actually, it doesn’t work that way! More often than not, it just puts pressure on the child to perform. Their focus goes directly to the outcome, a place they cannot control and moves them away from the process of where they need to be—to compete … something they can control. Additionally, The child thinks to themselves, “If I don’t win, I will disappoint my parents.” Certainly they don’t want to let anyone down, therefore the pressure doubles, and unfortunately on the court, the child’s nerves get tighter. It’s never a good recipe for success. Simply tell them to “Play proud,” “Just be yourself,” or “Just compete.” Some parents keep it even more simple and just say, “I love you!”
I know you all try to do the best you can do to help your child do their best in given situations. This parenting stuff is hard! Hopefully some of the “Pink Elephants” on the court from both parts of this story will provide you with some insight as to what your son or daughter may be thinking and also help put you at ease. They often don’t need your help in solving or fixing the situation, but just need to know you are with them.
